


Seesaw

by thatwasforyou



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Shadowhunters (TV) RPF
Genre: Canon Compliant, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Pining, This Is Sad, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, and serious, matt being a dork, things are complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:27:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22217026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatwasforyou/pseuds/thatwasforyou
Summary: After a few months done with filming Matthew's suddenly hit with the nostalgia of missing his shadowhunter family, more specifically one person.Or the one where Harry comes over and suddenly things are complicated again.
Relationships: Matthew Daddario/Harry Shum Jr.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 64





	1. Repeating

**Author's Note:**

> hi peeps
> 
> i'm finally sharing this small piece with y'all. hope you'll like it.
> 
> have fun reading my loves. enjoy!

Matt's looking at a tweet he's reading, more specfically a tweet that's calling his ass out: "i swear to god, get a fucking job _@matthewdadarrio_ its been ages". He laughs as he rereads it. Funnily enough these type of tweets have been surfacing more and more and it's quite entertaining to him. He scrolls past it, seeing a few "i miss you's" and "tweet something :')". It has indeed been a while since he has tweeted or hell even has shown any signs of living. In his opinion it's more of a not finding anything interesting or funny enough thing to tweet about. Although his fans do say he's funny. That for them it doesn't matter what he does. They are going to find it funny one way or another if he quirks one of the corners of his mouth up.

Funniest thing is that the fans don't even know he already booked this small roll in some series he liked when his agent told him about it. He's supposed to recieve the script next week or something. His agent also telling him some interesting auditions were coming up and he could chose which one he wanted to proceed doing.

He keeps scrolling through his mentions, getting comfortable on his huge fluffy sofa that he, mind you, will adore till dead does them apart. That sofa is his dearest baby and maybe occasionally his bed. He looks up when he hears soft ruffeling at the door. "What are you grinning about?" Esther calls from the door, walking up to him.

"Twitter." He hums back. Letting out an amused snort as she nods in understanding and turns around to grab her purse. "Like I said yesterday, I'm heading out with some girlfriends. See you tomorrow okay?"

"Mm, okay" Matthew looks up with a little pout. She walks over and pecks him real quick. "Don't cause too much trouble nor miss me too much." She grins. He looks back at her faux scandalized that she would even think about him causing problems as she's leaving while laughing. Cute.

 _It truly has been a while_ he thinks as he's scrolling through his phone. He's seeing all kind of edits and "i miss shadowhunters so much" in his mentions. It sparks that deep sadness in him that he tries to burry away, the part of him that never really got over losing a job he actually loved doing and was planning to do so for a long time. What was it that he always said? _I will do this for as long as the fans want me to_. Which was mind you, very long in his dictionary.

A family and fansbase he spent creating for almost 4 years ripped away from him just like that and on top of that got his ass jobless too. _Lovely_. He slowly opens their groupchat, grinning at a meme Alberto sent a few hours ago.

[ sh gc ]

 _matt_ : miss u guys..

 _matt_ : we seriously need to hang out soon..

 _isaiah:_ ... :o

 _isaiah_ : is this real? someone pinch me? matthew daddario is that you?

 _isaiah:_ ... wow... think i just spilled my coffee .

 _matt_ : i'm serious

 _isaiah_ : ....hold on need to clean up after this confession

 _matt_ : ha ha ha.. im serious :(

 _kat_ : of course!! as soon as schedules line up we'll all gather up again :D

Matt pouts as he looks at the schedule talk and sees that they won't be seeing each other for at least a month or another shadowhunter convention for a few. It'll be worth it when all of them can gather together at the same time thought. He thinks about all the times they just gathered up if filming allowed them to and did the silliest shit together. Reminiscing about old times makes the pang in his chest return even more painful then it did last time.

Dwelling on what could have been's, he puts his phone back in his pocket, hoping there's still some leftovers in the fridge he can eat. Just when he makes it to stand up, mentally hoping there's enough ingredients left in the fridge for his favourite sandwish, his phone buzzes. Confused he takes his phone out.

[ harry shum jr ]

 _harry_ : saw your message in the gc. its been a while.... im close. want to hang out?

Matt hesitates before he anwsers.

 _matt_ : yeah .. of course. what exactly is close?

 _harry_ : around 30min.

 _matt_ : sure harold, come around.

 _harry_ : don't. ever.

 _matt_ : mmm mmm :p

Matt slowly closes the tap, blinking. He starts slightly freaking out 'cause.. is this house even clean? Did Harry just say he'd come over? He stands up fumbling with his phone, almost making it fall like the clumsy moron he is. The thing only got fixed like 3 weeks ago.

It's not like he and Harry haven't been keeping in touch or anything. On the contrary. The man comments on his ig posts, on Esther's, Matt himself comes over to play with his dog and he sends the ocasianal "how are things going" text. It's not that. It's just. It's been a while (a long while) since he's seen him in person and he wants to look ... presentable.

He half runs upstairs and starts fixing the nest on his head. "Why won't you just fucking coörprate for once." He groans as a few hair strands won't do as he wants.

He goes downstairs after brushing his teeth, opening the cabinet for some booze. All the fancy looking liquor bottles remind him of the time he and Harry would do drinking scenes together. It's not like it ever was real alcohol but this one time they tried to convince the director for it to be real. After a whole day of them arguing with questionable reasonings. They won.

He smiles fondly at the memory and picks a bottle that catches his eye. As he is putting it down on the salon table with some glasses...

He hears the damn doorbell ring.

Fuck. fuck. fuck.

How has it been 30 minutes already? Looking at the clock he sees that Harry's a bit earlier then they agreed on. _Love that for me_.

Pushing his fingers through his hair, he rushes to the front door. Almost gliding beside it, he tries to calm down as he snorts out a laugh. Damn socks. Ok calm down. It's just Harry. Kind friend Harry. Why is he fucking sweating? It's not like it has been months since he saw him. It's not like he missed him and his quirky jokes. It's not like he missed his cackle of a laugh while he cackled with him. It's not like he misses the time they'd have serious talks about their characters that would turn-

"Matt!" He hears Harry shouting while knocking on the door. "I literally can see you through the door hole." Snapping out of it Matt goes to open the door quickly.

And...yeah.

You see Matthew Daddario isn't caught slipping a lot. Because, excuse you, he is a genius. If he does people like to call him cute or even intelligent while they don't know that on the inside he's actually crippling from embarrassment. What person doesn't love people calling them adorable for being stupid and smart at the same time.

But you see. Harry is harry and harry has always been harry. He's not going to beat around the bush and not say that the man standing in front of him isn't absolutely gorgeous. That he right now probably isn't seeing his mental breakdown in full glory, first row. Like he actually isn't doing a double take right now to make sure that he's really there eventhought he saw him like what? A few months ago. _Time really flies_ he thinks as he looks at him. He used to think time was the slowest thing to exist but lately 3 or 7 months passing, feel like nothing. The scarriest thing is he knows he should fill them up memorably but there's only so much you can do in a day and pretend like you didn't waste it.

Amused, Harry reaches up to put a finger under his chin. "Well.. a speechless welcome is always nice." He grins.

He snaps out of it and goes in for the hug that he's about to recieve. "Yeah... ha."

Matt missed him, missed this. It truly had been a while. He seeps into the comforting warmth as the smell of a familiar cologne tickles his nose. Last time he saw him, it was with Charlie in his face the whole time. He loves that dog but damn. The memory makes him grin.

"I missed you," he softly mumbles as he pushes closer. He cringes internally at the way he said it. Not meaning for it to come out as vulnerable as it did. Kind of everything he doesn't want for him to hear right now. Not when he has missed him this much and worst, he will know just how much.

"Matt..." Harry starts as he detaches himself from their small embrace. _Here we go again_ Matt thinks as he sees conflicting eyes blinking back at him paired with a familiar careful expression. Yes that expression that he absolutely fucking hates. It just makes him feel powerless, it's been like what? 30 seconds? And they're already where he definitely did not want the evening to go to.

"No ..uhm," He clears his throat. "How are you?" He asks as he pulls away, giving a careful smile as Harry looks at him with questioning eyes. "I'm fine," He says as Matt lets him in.

They walk towards the sofa as he sees him looking around. He's been meaning to redecorate the place for a while now. Only just starting. Walking around he's probably noticing some slight changes that he made here and there in the last few weeks. Noticing certain things just weren't the way they used to be. Things change when you slowly decide it's for the better. He turns around to confirm that Harry, in fact, is looking around at all the little changes. Face not revealing if he likes or hates it.

"Make yourself at home," Matt clears his throat, "you know where everything is."

When he's done looking at all the slight changes. Harry turns around and looks at him, properly looks at him. _Nothing has changed_ Matt thinks, nothing.

He knows he shouldn't have anwsered the text. He knows that. He also knows it was probably a weak moment for him too as it had been months now. Months of trying to heal wounds they were the blame for creating in the first place. He misses him so fucking much but acting on it isn't an option anymore. Sometimes looking back at those moments he feels like they weren't even there in the first place. When you're seperated from someone for so long even the bad memories turn into memories of longing. Even that fucking dog. What could he have done differently, so the present wouldn't be the way it is. Or do we use the 'all things happen for a reason' trope to comfort ourself? 'Cause yes he loves that one.

"How.. is she?" He muzes as he goes for the sofa. "I mean," He looks to the side as he sits down, "How are they?"

Harry looks at him bemuzed.

"You don't have to do this you know," He sighs. "I came to see a good friend, one I used to see everyday till like 2 in the morning." And he's not wrong. When they filmed their scenes together, they used to spent hours and hours filming them to get it perfectly done. Filming till into the wee hours to get it exactly how they wanted it to be for the fans, the show and them. And still. It hurts.

Matt snikkers "Ah yes.." He looks at him knowing his eyes are betraying bad concealed hurt. "A good friend... ha."

"Matt-"

"No stop." He says sharply as he sees Harry's slowly aproaching him. Something satisfying burning in his chest when he sees him halt in surprise.

"What are you really doing here Harry?" He presses. Because they know it wasn't the right thing to do.

He stays quiet as he sees Harry's face unfold into frustration. Pressing his lips tightly together, he pretends that his chest isn't burning with the need to scream. Scream at him, himself, the world for being unfair.

"God... I don't wanna do this right now," Harry massages his temples. "I just wanna have dinner with you and catch up, is that too much to ask?"

Matt stands up and approaches him slowly. "Yes, that's too much to ask."

He should probably care that he has that hint of crazed look in his eyes that he gets when he wants people to just understand. Why does he still not understand? It's been months. All he wants to do is wrap his arms around this man and catch up on all the things they have missed. On the other hand he wants to scream his head off. Does he know how much it costed for him to get over this lasting ache that was anchored in his chest. The loneliness and confusion. 

"Matt..." Harry slowly backs away as if it hurts for him to do so. He turns around. "Maybe this wasn't a good idea afterall."

And Matt. He stops. Stops himself. What is he doing?

"W-wait Harry.." He sighs and runs a hand over his face. Get yourself together. "You're right.. I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I know I shouldn't have texted out of nowhere and come so late..." He goes back to him and sits on the sofa. He pats the space next to him. Matt hesitates but decides to join him. "It's not only you who misses.. me.. you know?" He looks at him doubtful but the affection he tried to conceal earlier was present.

His face is so familiar and warm that Matt almost chokes on the overwhelming feeling he's feeling at having him back after so long. He scoots closer. Carefully lifting his hand as he sees Harry's eyes flicker back and fort. "Harry.. can I?" he whispers as he slowly raises his hand to softly stroke his cheek.

Harry closes his eyes. Frustration evident in the wrinkles adoring his face. "I don't know. Can you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! kudos and comments are always welcome, especially if you'd love for me to continue.


	2. Who knows

"Yeah, I can" breathes Matt. _I'll worry about the consequences later._

Harry closes his hand over his and Matt is hit with painful fondness. He leans forward, almost making their foreheads touch. The gesture feeling strange but familiar at the same time.

"Fuck, I know I've said this like 5 times already but I missed you so much."

Harry pulls away and looks at him with a slight grin, eyes full of matching mirth and fondness. "Me too bun, me too." and Matt... yeah he kind of wants to cry, die.. you name it. Put him in a coffin already.

The funny thing is that he's acting like he hasn't seen his long lost ex of 3 years right now. When in fact there is the bitter reminder that he and Harry never even were a thing to begin with. Always strictly saying how things wouldn't work out and sometimes losing to those inner battles.

Because it's hard having a crush on your ex-costar? friend? Whatever. He suffered a good 4 years and the only thing he got out of it was maybe 2 pecks and heartbreak. Lots of it. Which is more than he ever expected but not exactly what he pictured. Let alone Esther who he had to tell he needed a break one too many times when it got too much back then.

He never made a move when he was taken back then. He couldn't blame Harry for never acting on it either 'cause he, in fact, was taken all along. It hurted. _It still hurts_.

Between all of the chaos in his brain, he doesn't realise what kind of shit guest he's being.

"Are you hungry?" He stands up, voice higher than usual. "Let's warm or cook something up." He says as he rubs his hands together. Harry looks at him funnily when he pulls him up by the sleeves. 

They used to cook together all the time. This will be fine. It'll be fun. 

Matt goes to open up some cabins to take out the stuff they'll need to make chocolate chip pancakes. He hears Harry laughing behind him. "I don't know what you're laughing about but you better get your ass up here to help." Matt muses.

"Pancakes, seriously?" He walks around the kitchen. "Can't we just order sushi?" He hears behind him. "My treat." 

Matt stops doing what he's doing because he is dramatic like that. "Sushi?" he says as he looks behind him. Sushi. That's kind of their thing. Eating sushi out together, sometimes with Isaiah too. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't hit for the 45th time that night with burning nostalgia. It's been so so long.

"I would love to." He almost whispers.

Harry looks at him carefully, nods and grabs his phone. "Ok, let me see." He says, knowing Matt is watching him tockle away on his phone.

"I missed eating sushi together.." He coughs "We should ..do it more often.. with Isaiah.. you know?" He scratches his head for good messure. _Great job._

Harry looks up after finishing "Yeah, of course, yeah."

Sushi arrives and they eat it up like they haven't eaten in 13 hours, which was probably the case. Going as far as feeding each other and cracking jokes and Matt. Matt he just wants to blurt out 'I missed you so much' every 5 minutes because he is a sap like that. He wants to go out and eat sushi with this man everyday. Every single day, if it meant that he would stay with him. 

When they finish up Matt goes to the cabinet to bring out another bottle of booze. They drink away getting cozier and warmer. Noise of the television slowly fading away to the background. Matt looks up seeing that time has passed by fairly quick and is hit with the fact that Harry's probably leaving soon.

He doesn't want him to leave. He never wanted that.

When they sit together closely almost cuddled up together Matt gathers up the courage to whisper what he's always wanted to say. "Stay." He whispers, looking down at Harry who's leaning against his shoulder. "Please, just tonight." 

Harry sits up and looks at him with creasing eyebrows. Contemplating his words he anwsers "I already told Shelbey I'd be home.. late but home.." He hesitates ".. what about Esther?" he adds.

Matt doesn't really want to know what his face looks like or what it is giving away because Harry immediately backtracks. "I..... I can call her up if you want, let her know I'm staying here." says Harry.

"Stop looking at me like that." Matt muses.

"You are the one that looks like I stepped on a puppy, burned your house down and then proceeded to steal your car." he snorts.

"Well Esther is out with friends and Shelbey can go on a night without her man.. I assume.." He says. "..And then I don't get to be lonely." He finishes, holding his breathe.

"Okay."

Words registering in a second too late, he squeaks "Wait really?"

"Yes really" Harry stands up, looking amused. "I'm already tired plus it's midnight, and I didn't want to drive all the way back anyway." He hums. "So let's go." 

Harry sends a quick text as he stands up from the sofa. They head up to move towards the huge masterbedroom after cleaning up a bit. Matt already deciding that he'll clean the rest up tomorrow morning. Thinking about how to go on about this... suddenly not knowing how to act because this didn't even happen a lot when they were close.

Matt shuffles around, clearing his throat "You know where the bathroom is." He points towards the door. "I'll grab something for you to sleep in."

"Okay, thanks." He watches Harry go in while removing his shirt in the process. Turning around with a grin on his face and then back closing the door.

This was going to be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u guys so much for the great responds. here is a smoll smoll update! next chapter soon.
> 
> kudos, comments always motivate me so dont be scared to leave one. thank u so much <3


	3. Longing

Matthew shuffles around in the huge bed anxiety slowly creeping up on him. Can he relax? It's not like this really is the first time they're sleeping together or anything.

He contemplains if his next move will come across as being a good guest rather than trying to get the hell away from here. Thinking carefully about his next words. "Harry!" he screams," I should probably go sleep in the guest room, shouldn't I?" He laughs awkwardly. If anything he knows he should, he wants to behave tonight at his best and not redo that little scenario he did downstairs earlier.

Hearing a few bangs in the bathroom, the door opens a few seconds later. "Now why would you do that?" Harry asks as he emerges from whatever he was doing.

Matt scratches behind his ear "You see.. I.." he looks helplessly infront of him, it's not like he is ashamed to admit that he'd rather maybe not sleep here but that's exactly what it is. Anxiety is a bitch.

Harry watches him with a soft smile. "I'm not oblivious nor cruel Matt.." Harry says, "If you don't feel comfortable sleeping here that's fine, it doesn't have to be a big deal." He walks over to sit on the bed. "But you did invite me over to sleep, so the least you could do is keep me company till I fall alseep don't you think?" he grins.

"You literally said half a minute ago that you weren't gonna be cruel, I call bullshit on that."

Harry pulls a face of innocence. "Now big baby get under the covers and go sleep."

Matt wants to crack a joke back but he is indeed being a big baby and he's fine with it too. He goes to stand up and pulls up the covers for both of them to go under. Looking to his right, he lights up the small bed lamp and goes over to turn off the big one. He'll just pretend that his heart isn't hammering out of his chest.

Its silent for a while.

"You know.." Harry says when they both properly have settled under.

"What..?" says Matt when he sees he's not going to finish the train of thoughts.

He hears words being whispered again after some silence. "I've always thought that at one point.." Silence. "...that at one point..." Matt hears how Harry's throat is starting to thicken on the words he's trying to say and it's frankly scaring the shit out of him. "...that I would have had the guts to l- leave her back then... back then... you know... not now b-but when we-..."

Ah, so this is where it's going? He wasn't ready to be hit with it so sudden. Matt slowly closes his eyes before unwanted moister will decorate his eyes. Fresh waves of pain he hasn't felt in a hot minute returning to him like a tide. "I don't want to talk about it... please."

Harry moves to his side and Matt stays as far away as he possibly can. "No look. I never told you this but I own you this much Matt, I-.. I really do. After all this time apart at least this. Okay?"

As much as one would think that Matt wants to hear how much of a 'chance' he could have had in the past he frankly really doesn't. He snorts "Do I though? It's going to re-open wounds I tried to heal for who knows how long now Harry. It's gonna give me hope that doesn't exist and that's exactly why I don't deserve it." He finishes.

Harry frowns. "When we kissed back then in the trailer.. if you can even call it that. It was impulse Matt it was but it didn't mean I didn't want it. I wanted it so fucking bad back then. I just-"

Matt starts tuning him out. He keeps fixating on the _back then_. Back then this, back then that. He doesn't care about the past anymore. He has spent too much time dwelling on what could have been's and he's frankly tired of it. Too hung up on everything for years was just fueling the hurt that has been nagging on him for soo long. He needs obvious anwsers, not scenarios from the past being thrown at his face.

"What about now?"

Harry halts in the middle of his rant. "What?"

Fuck it. Matt gradually moves his way closer. "I said," He says slowly, "What about now?"

He knows he said earlier he would behave but at this point he's throwing the small morals he has left out of the window. If only for tonight.

"Like fuck Harry... you keep talking about wanting me back then but what about now?" He presses. "I don't care about back then." he shuffles even closer, making their thighs touch. Pointing his finger against his chest. "I care about now." He dares to look him straight in the eyes. "What is it that you want now?"

Harry looks at him with confused heat pooling in his eyes, surprised at the sudden change in behaviour. The look Harry's giving him driving him nuts. It's all making him feel like he can't fucking breathe but dropping facade is not really an option right now. He has a mission here. He will get what wants. Mustering all his courage together he goes on.

"You know..." he leisurely says. Moving closer and slighty slotting their legs together. "If I knew any better, I'd say you want it now more than ever."

Harry carefully looks at his calculated smirk. Was he seeing through his act? Suddenly he feels a thigh creeping closer and closer to his groin. The movement making him more excited than he'd like to show. "I think..." Harry mutters "...it's you who really wants it." Emphasising his words with brushing over his slowly hardening groin.

There it is. No use in hiding that little problem now. His brain short circuits when he feels the brush again, more prominent. "Fuck do that again." He quietly moans.

Harry repositions them so Matt can easily rut against his thighs. Which is exactly what he does. Matt's little groans turning slowly deeper when Harry starts meeting his thrusts too. "Fuck." whispers Harry. "Look at you."

"I want it so bad." Matt pants "...I just." It's now or never. Matt takes Harry's face closer to his "Can I?" he murmers and Harry seems to contemplain his options for 3 seconds before he crashes their lips together.

The brush of tongues together after years of trying to ignore the exact desire to do so, is the most wonderful feeling Matt has ever felt. Literal fireworks in his balls if you ask him. Slotting their lips together, moving on their own accord.

"Fuck." Harry whines when Matt lines up their hard ones together and ruts harder.

Breathy puffs and groans filling the air around them. It feels so good, Matt could literally come in a second from this and he's about to say fuck it to his pride too. He can't keep his toes from curling at all the sensations he's feeling. Hearts alligned in the moment. Feeling so much in the moment, it's almost too overwhelming.

Without thinking of the after, he'll give it what he has now. He knows they won't be okay after this. If not even worse.

"Matt?" Harry pants when looking up from where he was ravishing his neck. "Harry." he owlishly replies back and goes in for a kiss. He sighs at the feeling of it, tongues dancing with each other.

He knows he's leaking precum in his pants like the damn teenager that he is. "Just keep this going." Breathes Matt, when he feels Harry's hand go down. "I'll fucking cum from this." He hears a giggle turned moan when he ruts his hips up.

Rutting against each other harder and harder, he's embarrassingly close already. Reaching a point where he doesn't even care about how loud he is. They move against each other and moan till they both feel they're getting close. Without warning Matt feels his release before his brain can catch up with it. Feeling his whole body shudder in pleasure, he feels Harry's hand that was rubbing against him all this time move faster.

"Fuck." He pants when he finishes. He goes with his hand towards Harry's waistband. He looks up to ask and already sees Harry nodding eagerly. He slowly inserts his hands in his pants and carefully takes the hard shaft, using all the precome that has already leaked to slowly start pumping him. Harry was already close, he knew. His lewd, delicious noises telling him so. The image infront of him, driving him mad. Not even half a minute later he feels Harry shuddering above him.

They fall into each other, heavy pants filling the sudden silence.

"That was..." He hears Harry mutter "...yeah." Matt holds in a snort. He knows. It was.. yeah wow. He smiles, at least he's not freaking out yet, he'll freak out about this matter later. "Let's go get cleaned up." he whispers in his shoulder.

Matt stands up and heads over to the bathroom, coming back a moment later. He looks at Harry who's already looking back at him, thoughts obviously clouding his mind already. The intense stare is a dead give away. He thought they would have at least till after the post sex cuddle session. Guess not. 

He swallows and strides up to the bed again. "Let me." he says and slowly lifts the wet clot to whipe over Harry's toned chest and stomach.

He hears humming "Breathe Matt." Harry says, "You're fine."

Yeah, he wishes he was fine. A dilemma going on in his head. Was he supposed to freak out now or later?

"I wanna freak out to be honest." he whispers. When he finishes he brings the clot to his own stomach and cleans up.

"You can." Harry frowns. "I'd rather you wait till we've had some sleep though." he says as he pats to the space next to him. He's giving a reassuring smile.. probably sensing that Matt is about to either turn on his fight or flight modus. Yeah he can do this.

After a beat or two Matt goes and lays down on the space that's made open for him. He welcomes the warm arms that wrap around him. For a second he can delude himself into thinking that everything will be alright. That he just didn't ruin everything.

Without a warning he suddenly feels moist stinging in the corners of his eyes. Fuck. He slowly moves around so he's facing the wall instead of Harry's chest.

Sensing something wrong.. "Are you alright." Harry whispers. He sounds concerned. Of course he is. "You want me to lie or the truth." he whispers back. "To be honest I want to sleep." he attempts at joking but when met with absolute silence back Harry sighs.

"Matthew.."

"I don't regret it." He sighs. "Don't ask me those typical corny questions, it's not any of that." He turns on his back. "I guess I just had a reality check that's all." He peers at him. "That at the end of the day this won't be what I'll have. Not now, not tomorrow and not in the future." He bites back the sting in his eyes once again.

 _And you know what?_ He chokes on his next words when he says them aloud.

He knows tears are visible in his eyes "You know don't you? ...You know I love you right?" says Matt. If Harry is taken aback by the words, he doesn't show. He just lets him finish his train of thoughts. Probably for the better he muses.

"I-I have for a while now I think?" He stops. "And I don't think telling you makes any difference." It will, oh it will. "but telling you... is the first step of moving on. I guess never telling you would be one of the things I'd regret most in life." He gulps.

"And ..now you know." he pauses. "..and now I can move on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you go peeps!! sorry for the long wait, last chapter will come very soon look forward to it :)
> 
> kudos, comments always motivate me so dont be scared to leave one. thank u so much <3


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